Parent Qualification Test – What is My Parenting Score?

 

By Yong, Jin-hun, Director of Witnessing and Education Department of FFWPU International

“I’m going to marry a good companion; we will love and take care of each other, have children and live happily ever after.”

In our youth, especially before marriage, everyone dreams these kinds of dreams. Then when we actually get married and have children, after 5 years…10 years…15 years…we realize that the words we spoke so easily back then are so hard to practice. Especially with the issue of raising children, it is even harder because there are no clear guidelines.

What if there was something called a ‘Parenting Education School’ and only those who passed the parenting qualification test could be given a parenting license? Could all the current parents pass this test? What is your parenting score for raising your children?

 

Question NO. 1

A family was driving through an area that was being developed and the father said, “If we buy property here, later on we could become wealthy.” Then, the young son replied saying, “All those lots are speculative real estate investments.” What would you say in this situation?

① Doesn’t say anything (laughs).

② You are right.

③ Everything is like that.

④ You don’t need to know about such things yet.

 

Question NO. 2

You promised to buy a gift for your child on your way home, but you forgot. You remember just as you are coming in the door. What will you do?

① Tell your child that you forgot and promise to buy it tomorrow.

② Go back out and buy it.

③ Choose a different way.

④ Act as if you don’t remember and go to bed.

 

Question NO. 3

Our son (daughter) promised, ‘I will come back by 9 pm. I will not (   ),’ but he (she) failed to keep his (her) promise several times, and made excuses from time to time. What will you do?

① Remain silent a few times, then scold him (her).

② Reason with him (her).

③ Wait until he (she) keeps his (her) promise.

④ Discuss with your child and reset the standard.

 

Question NO. 4

Our child has brought his friends to our home to play. You are extremely busy preparing for a party for your relatives. You call your child several times to have him do some chore, but he does not come. What will you do?

① Go find him and get angry.

② Send away all his friends.

③ After sending away his friends, scold him.

④ Tap him on the shoulder and tell him to do the chore.

⑤ Give up.

 

Question NO. 5

You are in a situation where your child has done something wrong and if you do not give $10,000 in damages to the other person, he or she will have to be imprisoned or expelled. What will you do?

① Take care of the accident expenses first then talk with your child.

② Forbid the child from going out.

③ Don’t even talk to your child because your trust is lost.

④ leave the responsibility to him and tell him to take care of it himself.

⑤ Calculate the degree of wrong and have him pay for it.

⑥ Understand and forgive him so he does not get hurt.

⑦ Grab onto him and plead with tears. (pray)

 

Question NO. 6

Our child has developed an addiction to pornography. What will you do?

① He is in the growth stage, so let him monitor his own actions.

② Check on him occasionally and don’t let him look at it.

③ Regard it as a period of sex education and calmly educate him with your spouse.

④ Have him rid himself of the temptation through his life of faith.

⑤ Have him start a different hobby.

 

Question NO. 7

Your financial situation is difficult, but one day your child pesters you to buy something expensive. What will you do?

① Buy it on credit, even though you can’t afford it.

② Tell him you don’t have money right now, and promise to buy it later.

③ Tell the child how financial matters are not a simple thing for a child to understand.

④ Explain that you can’t buy it even if you wanted to.

⑤ Make it an opportunity for financial education and set a plan together with your child.

 

Question NO. 8

What will you do if your child, who has good grades, has low social awareness and tries to choose a low-income career, or something that you have never thought of for his (her) career?

① Persuade him (her) to be more realistic.

② Respect your child’s opinion and let it go.

③ After hearing why he thinks that way and analyzing it, persuade him with your life experience.

④ Listen and respect your child’s opinions, but question him about whether he can achieve his goals with the job he has chosen.

 

Question NO. 9

I think my child has started dating a boy or girl friend. They meet each other without letting their parents know about it. I should help my child to get blessed but my child is a 2gen and the partner is not. What would you do?

① Be against the relationship and say to stop meeting him or her

② Persuade in a principled way

③ Let your child decide by him or herself

④ Give up on your child as a 2gen because it’s impossible to persuade your child

⑤ First, pretend you don’t know about the relationship, then meet a 2gen who is close to your child who has good faith and ask him or her to convince your child (to get blessed).

 

Question NO. 10

I don’t have much time to spend with my children because of my job. It has been a long time since our family went on a trip together. Actually, I tried to a plan for a trip but my children were also busy with their own schedules so finally I gave up doing it. Now, summer vacation is coming soon. If I lose this chance, then we will have almost no chance to gather together because my eldest one will get married and live in a foreign country. What would you do in this case?

①         Plan for a trip and inform your child

②         Persuade your child

③         Take a trip only with those who can go

④         Give up

⑤         Plan ahead and decide during a family discussion time

 

The Interpretation of the Answers

Question NO. 1

A family was driving through an area that was being developed and the father said, “If we buy property here, later on we could become wealthy.” Then, the young son replied saying, “All those lots are speculative real estate investments.” What would you say in this situation?

[Interpretation]

If the children are not corrected at home, then it is difficult to correct them at school or in their social life. Even if the school or society tries to educate them, more often than not, each word or action of their parents is a better source of education. If the parents cannot properly teach their children the values that are needed in life, their children will probably not develop a mature character. So the parents must first show a good example to their children.

[Answer = ② You are right ]

It is not something to be embarrassed about to admit something you didn’t know or faults to your children. Those who can admit their faults with dignity provide a good example of a mature adult. As the children grow up, they will mature knowing how to humbly admit mistakes that they make or their lack of knowledge.

 

Question NO. 2

You promised to buy a gift for your child on your way home, but you forgot. You remember just as you are coming in the door. What will you do?

[Interpretation]

When you trust someone with a promise, it is very frustrating if that person does not keep his promise and later on makes excuses. The larger the promise is, the more resentful the other person will feel. Children learn social life through their parents, but if their parents cannot become the standard then, because they do not know how to act according to a standard, they do whatever they feel like doing. If the children do not seem to be listening to you, you need to think about the standard you have been showing in your speech and behavior. You may be lenient with yourself, but strict with your children. If you as an adult cannot keep a good standard of behavior, you will not be able to get your children to keep such a good standard.

[Answer = ② Go back out and buy it.]

It is better to keep your promises before your children’s trust in you is lost. Once you fail to keep your promise several times and then bring your children a gift later, they won’t even feel grateful. If that situation occurs when they themselves are parents, there is a 70% chance that they will do exactly the same thing as you did when they were young.

 

Question NO. 3

Our son (daughter) promised, ‘I will come back by 9 pm. I will not ( ),’ but he (she) failed to keep his (her) promise several times, and made excuses from time to time. What will you do?

[Interpretation]

Adults often repeatedly say, ‘from next time, from next time’ and continue making the same mistakes. Adults cannot scold their children by saying, ‘Why are you always doing that?’ when their behavior yesterday is no different than today and last year’s behavior is the same as now. If adults who have common sense live without distinguishing between the beginning and the end, then immature and inexperienced children will follow their example, thinking that that is the standard of behavior.

[Answer = ④ Discuss with your child and reset the standard.]

When the child does not do as he is told or keep his word, you think that the child is lying. But from the child’s perspective, it is only his difficulty to live up to his parent’s standard. For example, if you do not let them buy something that they want, they will say that they got it from their friend, and if you don’t let them buy something expensive, they will lie and say they bought it for a cheap price. Thus, it is good to lower the standard to one that the child can keep, and have him keep it starting from that day.

 

Question NO. 4

Our child has brought his friends to our home to play. You are extremely busy preparing for a party for your relatives. You call your child several times to have him do some chore, but he does not come. What will you do?

[Interpretation]

In reality, there are more cases where the child really just didn’t know. Nevertheless, the parents don’t tell him in detail and become upset because he doesn’t know how his parents feel. If the child is defiant saying, ‘what did I do wrong?’ then in fact, it means that he still did not understand his fault. So you should at least tell him then. Tell him clearly and logically what situation Mom and Dad are in, and that he can help in this way. This attitude from the parents will have to be repeated several times before the child can understand by himself. And you need to make an environment where he can voluntarily help with the chores.

[Answer = ④ Tap him on the shoulder and tell him to do the chore.]

If children are immersed in something, then they don’t even know that their parents are calling them. There are many parents that can’t hold in their anger if the child does not answer after calling them a few times. Did you talk looking into their eyes? Do not continue to look from your parental point of view, but from the child’s point of view.

 

Question NO. 5

You are in a situation where your child has done something wrong and if you do not give $10,000 in damages to the other person, he or she will have to be imprisoned or expelled. What will you do?

[Interpretation]

Because adults have wisdom, and have life experience, they should not panic or get angry. Immature children really do not have anyone to lean on. Whenever you are faced with that kind of difficult situation, you should focus on the solution rather than negative emotions even if you are distressed or tired. Therefore, let the child say how the problem developed, what he can do about the result, and, as a parent tell him, ‘I will do anything to help you.’ After the situation is settled, you need to let the child think about what he did wrong, and how he is going to prevent the same situation from happening again. Then, you need to get him to study his parent’s critical judgment and process of settling the situation. It is important for the parent to become a textbook of life that has a proper purpose, so when he or she becomes a parent, the child can follow that example.

[Answer = ① Take care of the accident expenses first then talk with your child.]

It is difficult for the child to deal with consequencesing like being imprisoned, expelled, or pay damages. Though the case changes if repeated, first of all, take care of the damages. It is a harsh thing to be imprisoned or expelled for a first-time mistake. You need to attempt to maintain mental stability so the child can keep trust towards his parents. Think of it as a good opportunity to provide an unforgettable lesson for the child.

 

Question NO. 6

Our child has developed an addiction to pornography. What will you do?

[Interpretation]

You need to help your child burn his passion in a healthy way, not with pornography. Moreover, sex is something that he absolutely needs to know about in his life. Sex also plays a core role in the lives of human beings. It is the passageway of love between husband and wife, for having children, as well as for happiness and joy. When this period of growth comes to your children, it is better for the mother to educate the daughter, and the father to educate the son. To the children, whose focus is on the sexual act, it is important to have them understand the value of sexual intercourse and recognize what the result and responsibility is for having sexual relations.

[Answer = ③ Regard it as a period of sex education and calmly educate him (her) with your spouse.]

 

Question NO. 7

Your financial situation is difficult, but one day your child pesters you to buy something expensive. What will you do?

[Answer = ⑤ Make it an opportunity for financial education and set a plan together with your child.]

[Interpretation]

① In this scenario, you will be confronted with even greater requests from your child. He (she) will ask you to buy something even if it is only mentioned. ② You are just using a delay tactic, so the child’s desire for that thing is still there. ③ Tell the child how financial matters are not a simple thing for a child to understand. ④ This sort of reply causes the child to develop a lack of enthusiasm and a complaining heart. ⑤ Determine with your child why the purchase is necessary, and make a plan for the purchase within the price range that the parents can afford and the price range that the child can make effort to save from an allowance or part-time job, etc. Also, educate him (her) about financial planning within the limitations of the family’s financial situation.

Even if you are financially difficult, don’t make it a habit to say ‘I’m sorry.’ If they become used to hearing those words, they become children with a lack of enthusiasm and a complaining heart before they realize it. First, if the parents themselves are doing their best and working hard, then do not regard it as shameful not to be able to buy things for them. At times like this, you need to give financial communication and education to your child.

 

Question NO. 8

What will you do if your child, who has good grades, has low social awareness and tries to choose a low-income career, or something that you have never thought of for his (her) career?

[Answer = Listen and respect your child’s opinions, but question him about whether he can achieve his goals with the job he has chosen.]

[Interpretation]

Scholars explain that, during the 21st century, we will be able to support ourselves by pursuing the career that we want. They say that there will be much more job diversity, and that we will be able to support ourselves with just one excellent skill, and that career fields will change countless times. Regardless of the children’s talents, if they just have the career that they prefer, it can be a way of life that can go beyond the era. You should consider whether you are pressuring your child to do the career that you wanted to achieve yourself.

It’s easy to judge by the parents’ own standard of value in this situation. First, listen to your child no matter what they have decided. There’s a lot of chance for parents to talk about their opinions. You should talk to your child based on the belief that you could be happy with any job you choose. Children’s dreams change a lot in the process of their growth. But children sometimes choose future work centered on universal values more than the current social situation.

If you also research and look for resources about the job which your child has mentioned, then your child will respect you. Also, if your child realizes something that he (she) didn’t think about before, he (she) could follow his (her) parent’s opinion and even make a better decision.

 

Question NO. 9

I think my child has started dating a boy or girl friend. They meet each other without letting their parents know about it. I should help my child to get blessed but my child is a 2gen and the partner is not. What would you do?

[Answer = ⑤First, pretend you don’t know about the relationship, then meet a 2gen who is close to your child who has good faith and ask him or her to convince your child (to get blessed).]

[Interpretation]

① Your child will oppose you and your parent-child relationship will suffer. ② This approach has a limitation even for the child who received DP training. It is not easy to stop them from loving each other. We can see this from the result of Adam and Eve’s fall. ③ So it’s good to solve the problem by one’s own effort but it’s not easy to cut the relationship of love. ④ We should even save everyone in the world. Parents could have thought this way for the moment but God still hasn’t been able to do that. ⑤ When your child realizes you have known about the relationship, he or she will respond in one of two ways. First, he or she will feel fear because of your angry face as a result of breaking the commandment. At this time, your child might rebel against you or feel guilty. Second, your child might continue what he or she has chosen to do. To deal with this kind of child’s mentality, it’s good if a person in his own peer group, who has already gone through this kind of issue, could approach this child. It would be better for you to more deeply understand your child’s heart rather than give conservative opinions. And you should help your child to open a way to come back by himself and build enough relationship with you. Let him predict his own future and after that, help him to feel your suffering and his relationship with you.

 

Question NO. 10

I don’t have much time to spend with my children because of my job. It has been a long time since our family went on a trip together. Actually, I tried to a plan for a trip but my children were also busy with their own schedules so finally I gave up doing it. Now, summer vacation is coming soon. If I lose this chance, then we will have almost no chance to gather together because my eldest one will get married and live in a foreign country. What would you do in this case?

[Answer = ⑤Plan ahead and decide during a family discussion time.] [Interpretation]

What becomes a problem in most families is informing others after making a decision. It’s better for you to suggest an agenda for everyone to decide by themselves rather than letting them think about it after announcing your decision. When you say, “You must do (something),” this can cause resistance. So I think it’s desirable to prepare a time and place to meet and then discuss while keeping eye contact, make a suggestion such as “What if we do (something)?” and then make a decision together.

 

What’s my score on the parent qualification test? | Each question 10points, Perfect score is 100 |

90-100 Points

You understand your child deeply and broadly.

70-80 Points

You are trying to understand your child deeply and broadly. You understand what your child desires and his stage of growth. But it would be good if you apply the education method which is more appropriate for your child.

50-60 Points

You are somewhat trying to understand your child. But you sometimes find it difficult to communicate with your child because you take a serious view of reality.

30-40 Points

Please think more from your child’s standpoint. Your thinking could be changed based on your mood.

0-20 Points

Pay more attention to your children and talk with them more. Don’t deal with your children based only upon your own life experience.

1 Response

  1. Robert Yee says:

    There are good books on child development, adolescent learning as well as books on effective parent-child communication. But, fact of the matter is, it’s on the job learning by Mom and Dad.
    Make it a strict habit to eat evening meals together (5x per week). As soon as the child can speak, everyone takes turns saying grace – honest appreciation – before eating … reporting our promises to be an ideal family to God and True Parents. Aju.

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